Today’s post is a very personal and emotional one. I feel sometimes like I’m sinking into a deep pit where only by looking up can I see how far I’ve fallen. When you fall down getting up and climbing out of an abyss isn’t always as easy as it sounds.

Something has been missing in my life these last six months. A subtle decline in eyesight, a muffling of the ears crept in unawares. I miss filling pages with thoughts generated by what I read in my KJV bible. My brain desperately needs a clearing service to remove all the clutter of an overindulged imagination. Reading, listening to music, and watching movies helps provide other balances, but writing has always been the most effective choice for release.

In the midst of self-imposed idleness these words penetrate my sleepy spirit …

Trembling inwardly, I attempt to arouse myself from my sluggardly slumber. To my shame, I have somehow allowed myself to be lulled into forgetting that I am a purchased possession with a divine earthly mission.

I confess that I have minimized the importance of my ambassadorship. This is far too important a privilege; I dare not continue to slumber. The alarm has sounded, and I can see now that I have slowly been veering from the straight and narrow path. Somehow, I’ve allowed life to wedge itself between me and my First Love.

See, in my flesh dwells no good thing, even in my best intentions, when they are born out of my human effort. I am in danger of straying onto the broad road where silly women are led into captivity (2 Tim. 3:1-7)! I have gotten too comfortable in my self-centered existence. The spinning wheels of my mind drive me to works that aren’t always profitable. This, followed by mental fatigue, attaches itself to the hidden areas of spiritual blindness so that I don’t even recognize that I am operating out of the spirit of my first birth.

To her credit, Momma didn’t raise no fool, and I wasn’t born yesterday (physically or spiritually). I will not allow myself to stay in this comfortable space. My enemy’s plot to create a bigger gulf between me and the Love of my life has been exposed. I will exercise a mustard seed of faith and of wisdom to bring about the immediate remedies at my disposal to start repairing the error(s) of my ways.

I will be like my brother David. I will humble myself before my God and pray:

according unto the multitude of thy tender mercies blot out my transgressions. ² Wash me throughly from mine iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin. ³ For I acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin is ever before me. ⁴ Against thee, thee only, have I sinned, and done this evil in thy sight: that thou mightest be justified when thou speakest, and be clear when thou judgest. ⁵ Behold, I was shapen in iniquity; and in sin did my mother conceive me. ⁶ Behold, thou desirest truth in the inward parts: and in the hidden part thou shalt make me to know wisdom. ⁷ Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean: wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. ⁸ Make me to hear joy and gladness; that the bones which thou hast broken may rejoice. ⁹ Hide thy face from my sins, and blot out all mine iniquities. ¹⁰ Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me. ¹¹ Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy holy spirit from me. ¹² Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit.  Psalm 51:1-12

Oh, what foolishness has befallen me! I cannot live without my First Love! My human capacity to love is at best, limited and conditional at times. But My First Love’s love remains unconditional, never ending, tried and proven. When I withdraw into myself, my First Love is there waiting patiently for me. When I have no words for my fears, He comforts me. When I’m in that dessert place dying of thirst, He leads me to living water. When I am wounded by the falsehoods of others, My First Love demonstrates truth that stands forever. Knowing I am without righteousness, He supplies me with his own. Like a beautiful garment, I am covered thoroughly so that my heavenly Father sees only my First Love in me!

I will awaken from my slumber. I will unsheathe my Sword and bear my spiritual arms. I will boast of my First Love’s Glory. I will bow the head of my reawakened soul, and start with that which must come first … an apology to My First Love!